what's holding me back
25/11/24
One thing I've realised lately is that I haven't actually tried that many things. Sure, I've had my go at a fair number of extracurriculars during high school, but there's just so many areas of life I haven't really delved into much even at a shallow level. Which, as someone who supposedly values spontaneity and new experiences, seems a bit odd.
Of course, one could make the common excuses of being constricted by time limitations and scheduling conflicts, but even now, with nothing going on in my life, it's still a little tricky to find where to start. The advice I'd give anyone in the same situation would be to explore everything, cast a wide net and see what fits... but that's a lot easier said than done. There's so many different activities out there, and committing to any one of them for a period of time feels like a bigger decision than it should be.
I think this boils down to one keyword: commitment. Committing to starting any new hobby, interest or project is a leap of faith because we never know how it's going to go until we've tried it. And often we try to protect ourselves from that potential disappointment, since you can't undo things once you've done them. And so, we judge our own ideas before even getting started, and in doing so, we hold ourselves back. We fixate too strongly on the cons that we overlook the pros that led you there in the first place. Your comfort zone becomes a glass box which imprisons you rather than protecting you.
Personally, I have a few ways of working on my self-inhibition. One thing is that when it comes to hobbies and interests, you should definitely listen to your gut and your heart. In today's grind-culture society, where even downtime is encouraged to be used productively and efficiently in the form of self-improvement and creative passion projects, it's worth a reminder that it's okay to do things simply for the fun of it. If it's a direction that your heart gravitates towards even for a split second, that's a sign that there's at least something in it that attracts your curiosity, and it's always worth having a go just to find out what that is. Contrary to what the Internet might make you think, there's no objective hierarchy in what constitutes a good hobby. And there often aren't purely logical reasons why we find certain activities enjoyable. So, although I'm usually someone who likes to think and reflect a lot and flesh things out before I go in, this is an area where I try to really have no reverse gear and leap before I look, because the longer you wait on it the more doubts and questions pop into your head which drown out your initial curiosity.
By the way, I'm not saying you should be reckless and take unnecessary risks without thinking it through, but there's definitely a difference between protecting yourself from harm and from disappointment. Stay safe, and you should definitely reason that out with your head, but leave it at that.
As a perfectionist and someone with a harsh inner self-critic, I find that sometimes I shoot my ideas down so quickly that it becomes hard to know what I really want. And in order to regain this authenticity, it helps to consciously adopt a positive mindset; by focusing on what could go right, it's easier to ascertain whether these outcomes align with the person you want to be.
And whenever an idea does crop up, make sure you note it down. Something I've been doing that I encourage you all to do is creating a vision board for my lifestyle, collating big ideas and breaking them down. For instance, I've realised I've wanted to express my creative side for quite a while, which is why I'm experimenting not just with making these posts but also planning on composing music, learning some art, and doing some writing. I enjoy becoming more self-conscious and knowledgeable, so I'm going to make time for reading and online courses. And above all, I love my independence, so I'm meeting new people, learning new life skills and travelling.
The most important thing is being spontaneous and having a no-delete policy, and brainstorming as many activities as possible that align with who you want to be. Turn your dreams into ideas into a bucket list, and share it with your friends, because what better way to ensure you follow through on things than having people you trust keeping you in check?
And once you have a plan, embody that identity. At every turn, ask yourself what the person you want to be would do in that moment. Learn to take conscious control of your life and empower your vision of yourself to triumph over the self-inhibition holding you back. You'll come up with a million reasons not to do something but just one reason makes it worth a try. And when in doubt, go for it.
with love,
jingni <3